Well, it’s certainly not me.
I’m anxiously waiting for my first endocrinologist appointment. It’s still a week and a half away. I just want to be feeling better. I want to feel like myself again. I want to be in charge here.
spontaneous (and not so spontaneous) crying
Somebody says or does something funny. I start laughing. It is the normal response. Then, I leave normalcy behind. Suddenly, I’m crying like the world is ending. I can feel my heart break. It’s the most devastated I can ever recall feeling.
Or, yesterday when I started crying because I could barely button the jeans I just purchased in September. When I thought about the jeans I got rid of when I went from a size 20 to a size 12 and cried harder because I may just need those size 20s very soon. Especially as even the elastic waistbands become too tight.
Or, while walking up to the mailbox in the winter cold that has taken over the thumb, I kept swiping away the tears that refused to stop. I told myself I could cry all I wanted once I returned to the warmth of my house. Spent the whole walk swiping at those tears. Back in the house, not a single tear was shed.
Is that a butterfly in your throat?
My thyroid has been so inflamed that you can see it. Some days I have the full butterfly. Today it would appear the right is far more swollen than the left [pictured above]. That’s not all.
It’s also swollen on the inside. I’m constantly trying to swallow that lump. This leads to voice changes. It’s raspy and it cuts out at times. I barely recognize my own voice these days.
There’s also the lovely red spots that speckle my throat. I can’t see them in the picture, but I can assure you that they are there. They get itchy at times, but mostly they just sit there, decorating my throat.
It’s not all bad, though
I’ve found the energy to bake recently. There were pumpkin muffins and dinner rolls and some pomegranate coconut muffins that didn’t quite hit the mark.
Dinners have been a little more like my old self, too. A bit of elaboration here, a touch of experimentation there. The other night, I made the most delicious beef stew. I was out of tomato paste, so I tossed in a cup of pumpkin puree I had in the freezer. I also added a little cinnamon and a smidge of ginger. I thought it delicious. I will definitely make it again.
Blankets, sweatshirts, and still shivering
It’s freezing. The thermometer has dipped below 32° on numerous occasions already. It’s not even winter yet. I’ve forbidden myself from turning up the thermostat whenever I’m cold. I can no longer be the deciding factor.
Instead, I grab a sweater or hoodie, and slip under the fleece Harley blanket that’s been designated as the couch blanket. Sometimes I’m still shivering. Sometimes I bake just to turn the oven on.
Just put one day after another
Some days are better than others. There are days I’m actually waking up with enough energy to climb out of bed. Other days, I’m making sourpuss faces at my husband as I drag myself to a sitting position. Energy is fleeting.
I see the holidays approaching, and I can’t imagine how I’m going to manage to pull off any semblance of a Thanksgiving dinner. I’m sure gonna try. Turkey, stuffing, potatoes, veggies, rolls, and cranberry sauce. Easy peasy, right?
Books for the holidays
Hopefully you aren’t finding the idea of the holidays nearly as daunting as I am. Swing by Amazon and check out Tiffany’s books. Order now and they’ll arrive in time for the holiday season. Find picture books, a chapter book, and even a book for the grown ups.